First came joy…


February, 23, 2014 (gender reveal appointment)

I always suffered from anxiety my whole life, worried, I Always been a thinker, over analyzer , hoarder of ideas, plans, thoughts. I imagined the worse case scenario before the best. I would try and pray for a sound mind and it helped. At this point in my life I felt responsible enough for my own mind that I was able to convince myself from the beginning of this pregnancy that I was not going to experience it in anxiousness. And so I didn’t I made a choice to enjoy it. This was my time. 3 years in the making. This was my miracle and I ought to take in every moment with a deep breathe and remember my blessing.

I was battling a really bad cough the past few days. It came in the night and didn’t stop. I remember being up just coughing doing all I can, I would sit up, suck drops, drink water, tea. Nothing helped. And for the first time I felt afraid.

Now when I think of it I ask myself why didn’t I go to the hospital? 

I also was feeling extreme pressure, when I would cough, vomit or sneeze, I would leak. I assumed it was regular symptoms. But something in the pit of heart didn’t feel right. I was too early to feel this way. And that cough that cough wasn’t normal.

Like any other appointment day ( and I have had plenty during this pregnancy) I was excited. I was 17 weeks. The whole week I was feeling pressure. I rode it off as my belly just growing bigger after all I was carrying two babies inside of me I’m only 5″2 , and at that time 115 pounds. I lost 15 pounds during that time. I threw up everyday after every meal , I was exhausted at work. And milked my two 15 minute breaks for all their glory. I was working as a preschool teacher my classroom was filled with active 2 year olds. Sometimes I would question if I was doing to much. But the doctor never told me I had to stop working. I would push any negative thoughts out of head and tell myself. This is my blessing and nothing can take it away.

This particular day my husband couldn’t take me to my appointment , so my sister in law did. Because it was twins and the high risk office has better equipment my OB recommend I get an ultrasound with them. The babies were getting big. A half of pound each. It made me proud to know how healthy they were. As the ultrasound tech went over my belly I remember her saying “whoa momma one of them is pretty low” I told her I figured at least one of them were because of all the pressure i’d been feeling. I told her about the leaking. And her face turned stone cold. All of a sudden I felt a rush of panic. I closed my eyes for a few seconds to calm my thoughts. ” here” she said ” I want to show you something, they facing each other it’s too cute for you not to see” she switched to the 3D camera.

And there they were facing eachother something they hadn’t done before. She asked if I would like to know the the sex. I wanted to of course and up until this time I was secretly hoping for a boy and girl. But once she revealed baby A was a boy. I knew that Baby B was too. and there I had it! My two boys. My sister in law and I cried tears of joy. Then I looked at the screen and named them. Baby A would be Canaan Cruz Young and Baby B would be Aven Noel Young.  My husband and I discussed all name variations and if it were 2 boys that’s what it would be.

It didn’t dawn on me then but she knew something was wrong and I think that early 3D picture was her way of saying “I’m sorry for what’s to come”. 

This would be my last bit of joy and until this day it saddens me that i didn’t get to share this moment with my husband. But God knows who can handle what.

The ultra sound tech congratulated me and said she was just going to show the Doctor the report and they will be in shortly. I looked over to my sister In law in my heart I knew something was wrong. But all I wanted to do was stay in that moment of the gender reveal. I never got a chance to call my husband to tell him what we were having before the doctor stormed in…

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And then there were two…

December, 14, 2014
I woke up feeling so weak, by now I knew I was pregnant but was this how everyone felt? My urine was orange by this point, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t poop my lips were as dry as the Sahara and the cramps were unbearable. That afternoon my husband took me to emergency room. They immediately gave me a drip and told me I was dehydrated. They gave me another after. Before pregnancy I wasn’t a big water drinker , water always made me nausea. But my husband became the water police and cracked down on me. They wanted to check on the baby which excited me because I didn’t know how far along I was and it would be the first time I would see him or her.

 I laid down as the ultrasound tech put that funny feeling gel on my stomach , she pushed the wand back and forth and all around, she widened her eyes at the screen and my heart sunk, ” have you been trying to conceive?” My heart sunk even further. “Yes I have” my voice was already shaking. She looked back at my husband. ” is he the dad? I need to show you something is it ok if he sees?” By this time my heart was coming out my body. She turned the screen towards me ” you see what that says ? ” she asked. I looked up and saw BABY A printed on the screen. Then BABY B. I started to laugh of course ” wait it’s twins?” She smiled ” yes congratulations you having twins.” I bursted out into tears and laughter. I looked over at my husband who was as still as a pole. He had absolutely no reaction. She let us hear both there heartbeats and it was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. we found out I was 10 weeks along. Finally my husband came out of his trance and came over and hugged me ” God is good”. He said. Yes God is good indeed, Not only did we concieve  naturally but we were having twins … Infertility who!?

 As I sit here and write this 9 months later I realize this without a doubt was one of the most happiest days of my life. I have never before felt this pure joy. The kind that overwhelms your heart and lightens your spirit. I could relive this moment over and over and over again. I still can’t believe until this day that I was once pregnant with twins.

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For over a year I have been trying to find the strength and the words to continue this blog. And it both amazes and frightens me how much can happen in the matter of a couple of years. This journey to becoming parents have been both full of joyful, triumphant moments, as well as moments of pure pain and hurt like we have never felt before. I ought to change my blog to “young baby roller coaster” as that is what it has been for my husband and I. The constant tides both high and low have served is with empty promises , false hope, and even allowed us to question our faith. It has also brought us joy, our first pregnancy and moments of sheer victory. The one thing that keeps us going is that we know we are meant to be parents and nothing and nobody will ever make us feel any different we will fight to the very end.

It was November 22 2014 , my husbands birthday. Now up until this time I have been the one to fall apart at the seams anytime I even had the slightest thought about not being able to conceive it had been three years since we first started trying. But on this particular day that marked the birth of my husband, it was him that fell apart and for the first time I saw just how much this battle affected him. Now normally I would of broke down right with him. But about a month before I had secretly had a long cry of agony and prayer in the shower that shook my body and my spirit. And that night I decided to let it go. I told God to take it from me and to give me the strength to move on from the longing of a child. Though I still wanted one at that point I could do without the anguish of not having one and to just purely believe that God was working it out. It was that very prayer that gave me the peace not to breakdown. I remember the very words my husband told me ” another year of not being a dad” I calmly and matter of factly replied “we will be pregnant by the end of the year”.

 

December , 10, 2014 , I found out I was pregnant !! I initially thought I was dying for 2 weeks of kidney failure because of extreme dehydration and cramping. Pregnancy didn’t cross my mind plus I googled my own kidney diagnosis , apparently I was wrong It turned out I just had a little stinker draining the life out of me and I never been happier!!
The day we found out , I had been desperate to find out what was wrong with me I had missed 2 weeks of work, been to urgent care who didn’t really give me any answer just antibiotics. So I made an appointment with a doctor. I remember her pressing down on my stomach and she said ” you are very constipated” I told her I hadn’t pooped in a week. Which was unusually. She asked me my history I told her about my Asthma, migraines and Pcos , then she asked if I am trying to conceive. I told her I have been for a few years but right now we were just trying to go with the flow. Then she asked me something that was a little weird. She said “are you depressed? You seem a little stressed or sad, is it the fertility issues?” I didn’t know if I should be offended. “No… I mean yes I have been depressed about it before”. She looked at me and said ” it’s going to happen”. She had a nurse take some blood, prescribed me a stool softener and told me to drink lots of water.

I put on my coat and right when I went to walk out she called me back “did the nurse take a pregnancy test” she asked. The nurse didn’t , and by this time I just wanted to leave. She asked me if I would give some urine. I sat there as the nurse dripped some of my urine on the test. At that point pregnancy didn’t cross my mind, I took a million of test and the truth is I hated it! The nurse looked down at the test and walked out. The doctor came into the room “Mrs Young , you are pregnant” I laughed as i always do when I don’t know how to respond. I asked her if she was sure ” she showed me the test. And for the first time in my life I saw 2 pink lines !!! I bursted into sobbing tears , she even teared with me. “I told you it would happen” when I walked out into the waiting room where my husband had been impatiently waiting for me, he went on a mini rant of what took so long before he notice I had been crying, “what’s wrong babe? He asked , I couldn’t even bring myself to tell him I was so in shocked finally when we reached outside I turned to him and started to cry again “I’m pregnant babe” we hugged each other so tightly at that moment and cried. On the ride home there was this silence filled with thought ” what you thinking about ” I asked my husband , ” college” we both laughed. It was the happiest news we ever received.

“La sra Muller” 

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This is my first post in over a year ! and I have finally gained back my inspiration thanks to all the women who openly shared their journey’s , questions and concerns on my post “la sra muller”. Since then I have moved on from that product and look forward to sharing my success and my spirals in further post. xoxoxo

There are a few people who asked me questions regarding “La sra muller”. I will try my best to answer them to the best of my ability. But if there are any other questions feel free to shoot them to me. FYI : I am no longer using this product. Not for any bad reason just a personal choice, however I will try my best to answer questions 🙂
Q: Are you still using “la sra muller”?
A:The truth is I probably only used that product for 3 months and while it helped bring down my cycle. I just wasn’t too sure myself on the proper usage. I am no longer using it.
 Q: Can “la sra muller” be used with metaformin?
A: From my understanding “la sra muller” has a multitude of different herbs incorporated into the drink some are on the label , while I don’t know the exact correlation between metaformin and the use of herbal supplements I did find this article that may be helpful. Keep in my mind that usually the use of herbal supplements with certain meds are not recommended but to be sure I would ask your doctor . Here is the link to the article.
 
Q: Should I continue using “la sra muller while on my period?”

A: this was always a concern of mine and I wish the product came with concrete instructions part of the reason I stopped taking it was because I didn’t want to take any chances of using it and not knowing I was pregnant. I personally stopped using it after my period would come down for that month.

Baby blues

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Somedays are great others are just unbearable. Trying to maintain your faith in a situation that you are resentful towards is definitely a challenge. The more time passes the more emotional I become. I feel two things: 1) that I may possibly be closer to my dream of becoming a mother and 2) that I may be further away from becoming a mother.
It’s a roller coaster of feelings, dreams, nightmares, hope , fears. I want to continue this journey. Financially it is impossible right now. But that’s not just it. I feel myself becoming more and more upset with the circumstance … It feels like a punishment. And this is how I feel on a bad day. I may feel different tomorrow. It’s funny how women I know that have kids tell me to wait and how hard is it is to raise them. As if I have a choice to wait. And that’s what it has become for me. A long waiting period in the most uncomfortable sitting area possible.

AND PCOS WINS AGAIN

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Sooo… Clomid was no match for the devil also know as PCOS. It had little effect therefore I have now graduated to self injections of Bravelle which is urofollitropin injection that stimulates egg maturation. If there was any doubt about how badly I want this child of mine, it all would have been left at the curb once I injected my self for the first time! I still can’t believe that I am capable of doing so. And Yes PCOS did win the first round of clomid and Yes PCOS did win the first round of injections (which was 75 IU), Yes it also won the second round (150 IU). Now that I am on my 3rd round of bravelle (225). Im starting to feel a little worn down. Never-the-less there is still a whole lot of fight in this tiny body of mine. I have bruises on my arms from the weekly blood work, marks on my tummy from the injections but i wear those with pride. I am grateful for the ability to be able to go through this journey. This is not indefinitely , it’s a passing cloud. I feel extremely optimistic about the BRAVELLE and possible IUI. financially it is kicking our behind (our insurance doesn’t cover meds nor the actual IUI procedure. However our monitoring and blood work are covered and our fertility specialist was kind of us to give us two free boxes of the BRAVELLE (such a relief). I try really hard not to put emphasis on the financial aspect. I have a simple philosophy when it comes to money in general which is you either have it or you don’t and I have up until this point been blessed with the resources and ability to come up with it. This is our first cycle and it may not be our last, but im ready to take PCOS head on.

Follow the link for some info on Bravelle
https://www.ferringfertility.com/bravelle

WE HAVE A WINNER

Thank you to all who participated in my La Sra Muller give away! I appreciate it and wish I had a bottle for all of you if I didn’t send you an email then that means you did not win. but stay tune as I plan on giving away more bottles in the near future. Thank you for continuing to follow my post and share your stories it’s not easy ! And most of best wishes to you all 🙂

FIRST ROUND OF CLOMID

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So here goes nothing… Friday was day 3 of my cycle and my Dr. started me on clomid 25mg. Its nearing the end of my provera induced cycle and I have 3 more little white clomid pills to go. Then I guess the fun part begins for my husband and I. I dont know how to feel. Im not going to get my hopes up but I have a lot of faith and if this round doesnt work I will try for a second or third, an order was put in for my injections I am hoping not to have to go the IUI route. Its expensive. wishful thinking. Im just trying to remain positive and keep praying. I have been charting my temperature Im hoping that I ovulate if not back to the drawing bored. I go back on thursday to see if my hormone levels are good. Fingers crossed

LA SRA MULLER GIVE AWAY!

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To all my ladies who have been following my post “la sra muller” I am having a give away. In appreciation of the out pour of input and personal stories you all have been lovely enough to share regarding the product. Please refer back to that post for details. Thank you and good luck!

No I am not a spokes women for this product by any means but I have learned through it from word to mouth like everybody else and have heard nothing but positive stories.

Not a Happy Camper

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Yesterday my hubby was next up in the sometimes awkward world of “infertility”. He had to give in a sample which he was madly nervous about and uncomfortable to say the least. I left work early to meet him at the clinic to show my love support and when he came into the waiting room you would have thought he stole something he wanted to leave so quickly. But he got it done he took one for the team and I love him immensely. The best part for me is that he got to meet the nurse who is AMAZING she and I often keep in contact through email and phone calls she is very helpful and reassuring. Hubby agrees. after wards I wanted to lighten the mood so we went for some drinks and food. Our nurse got back to us in an hour with the test results and unfortunately the morphology was at 3% which below , however everything else regarding concentration, volume, motility etc. were normal. Which is very good. My husband was not a happy camper, but I am completely excited because I know that this all means something, and with every step we take towards finding the solution the closer we get to our little pot of gold.