I always suffered from anxiety my whole life, worried, I Always been a thinker, over analyzer , hoarder of ideas, plans, thoughts. I imagined the worse case scenario before the best. I would try and pray for a sound mind and it helped. At this point in my life I felt responsible enough for my own mind that I was able to convince myself from the beginning of this pregnancy that I was not going to experience it in anxiousness. And so I didn’t I made a choice to enjoy it. This was my time. 3 years in the making. This was my miracle and I ought to take in every moment with a deep breathe and remember my blessing.
I was battling a really bad cough the past few days. It came in the night and didn’t stop. I remember being up just coughing doing all I can, I would sit up, suck drops, drink water, tea. Nothing helped. And for the first time I felt afraid.
Now when I think of it I ask myself why didn’t I go to the hospital?
I also was feeling extreme pressure, when I would cough, vomit or sneeze, I would leak. I assumed it was regular symptoms. But something in the pit of heart didn’t feel right. I was too early to feel this way. And that cough that cough wasn’t normal.
Like any other appointment day ( and I have had plenty during this pregnancy) I was excited. I was 17 weeks. The whole week I was feeling pressure. I rode it off as my belly just growing bigger after all I was carrying two babies inside of me I’m only 5″2 , and at that time 115 pounds. I lost 15 pounds during that time. I threw up everyday after every meal , I was exhausted at work. And milked my two 15 minute breaks for all their glory. I was working as a preschool teacher my classroom was filled with active 2 year olds. Sometimes I would question if I was doing to much. But the doctor never told me I had to stop working. I would push any negative thoughts out of head and tell myself. This is my blessing and nothing can take it away.
This particular day my husband couldn’t take me to my appointment , so my sister in law did. Because it was twins and the high risk office has better equipment my OB recommend I get an ultrasound with them. The babies were getting big. A half of pound each. It made me proud to know how healthy they were. As the ultrasound tech went over my belly I remember her saying “whoa momma one of them is pretty low” I told her I figured at least one of them were because of all the pressure i’d been feeling. I told her about the leaking. And her face turned stone cold. All of a sudden I felt a rush of panic. I closed my eyes for a few seconds to calm my thoughts. ” here” she said ” I want to show you something, they facing each other it’s too cute for you not to see” she switched to the 3D camera.
And there they were facing eachother something they hadn’t done before. She asked if I would like to know the the sex. I wanted to of course and up until this time I was secretly hoping for a boy and girl. But once she revealed baby A was a boy. I knew that Baby B was too. and there I had it! My two boys. My sister in law and I cried tears of joy. Then I looked at the screen and named them. Baby A would be Canaan Cruz Young and Baby B would be Aven Noel Young. My husband and I discussed all name variations and if it were 2 boys that’s what it would be.
It didn’t dawn on me then but she knew something was wrong and I think that early 3D picture was her way of saying “I’m sorry for what’s to come”.
This would be my last bit of joy and until this day it saddens me that i didn’t get to share this moment with my husband. But God knows who can handle what.
The ultra sound tech congratulated me and said she was just going to show the Doctor the report and they will be in shortly. I looked over to my sister In law in my heart I knew something was wrong. But all I wanted to do was stay in that moment of the gender reveal. I never got a chance to call my husband to tell him what we were having before the doctor stormed in…